It’s 11pm in New York City. The front door buzzer rang and I was able to catch the image of the dude slipping through the door before I could ring him in. Oh my, THAT guy! The cute Harvard boy. My heart starts racing and suddenly I am nervous. Its funny that I am more comfortable seeing a complete stranger than working with a repeat client, especially the one that I remember having quite the crush on last time he saw me here earlier this winter. He was the only client who’s phone number I couldn’t find, and the only one that jumped to see me as soon as I returned. Funny that. My palms are sweating. What in the world am I going to do once he arrives?
Blush. I blushed when I opened the door. Dear lord, he is really REALLY cute. I remember everything about our session in a flash, not details, more of the essence of what it felt like to lay on top of him, the warmth of his skin, the instant friendship I felt when he was last here. He was nervous too, in the typical New York City rush into the door. “Hi,” was all he could say. We just stood there looking at each other, me holding his hand, staring into each others eyes. “You look different, Scarlet.” I raise an eyebrow at him. “I don’t know what it is. More tan? Different haircut?” I feel a bit uncomfortable as he checks me out. This time he blushes, “and even more beautiful than I remembered.” I hug him. We are both really nervous. Its kinda cute.
We sit on the bed to talk and catch up for a while. He’s my age, maybe even a bit younger, seductively charming in his shyness, and I just want to kiss him right then and there. My personal heart is getting in the way, the one that wants to take it slow and just get to know this fellow, hold hands and walk around New York City together. But I snap out of it and remember why he is here. He hired me for a 90 minute Tantric massage. This is a client. I send him into the shower to switch gears before I accidentally fall into his arms and lose my momentum all together.
But my heart nearly leapt out of my chest when he came out in the towel with his perfect body and that irresistible smile. He did a quick turn around to leave the towel in the bathroom giving me a flash view of his butt. Dear Lord, I am in trouble! Stay focused, Scarlet! Stay centered. This isn’t personal, remember? He hired you for your love. I get him to sit with me yab yum on the table and our bodies melt into a hug. There is this unexplainable electricity in between us. I am feeling more comfortable now but his nervousness is adorable and I’m instantly turned on. It was too intense to look each other in the eye. In a minute he was putty, slowly breathing off the layers, opening his heart to me. “I’m so glad you are back,” he says. “I missed you baby.”
Whenever I did get him to look me in the eye he’d get almost defensive. “What.” he’d say. “What does that look mean?” I get this all the time, not just from clients but from men in general. I shine my love light, I adore them, I love them unconditionally, I have not a thought in my head, and they always squirm and question me like I have some secret trick up my sleeve. They don’t trust me, and it hurts. Why does my love have to be received like this every time? I’m just loving them, plain and simple. Why do they squirm? Is there a single man in the world that is confident and open hearted enough to receive me and not make me feel like there is something wrong with my love light?
I flip my guy over and get him on the table, nearly gasping at the pallet I have to work on, and his perfect ass. He didn’t want to lay down at first, saying that just hugging me was all he really needed, although I know he wanted to kiss me too. Thats why I got him to lay down, so the temptation is not there, because for some reason I want to make out with this guy as if my heart depended on it. Is is okay to work out my personal needs with a client? Is it imperative that I keep my guard up and my boundaries firm and my personal heart shut down so I can serve him properly, like a professional? He’s paying me $300 an hour. Thats a lot of money. My loving touch is valuable.
So I laid it on him. I kissed his body all over as I rubbed him. I licked his ear. I pulled his arm over the table and put his hand in between my thighs and kissed his elbow with the utmost love and tenderness. I lay on top of his body and melted into him. It was ecstasy, for both of us. Pure romance. If this was my boyfriend there really wouldn’t be much difference in the energy I was sharing. It was real, authentic, I absolutely adore this guy. He felt it too, reaching out for my hand to hold, never grabbing at me, just absorbing my grace. I was enjoying the experience through and through. I love my job.
I took my time, our session was about over, but I was in no rush. I finally asked him to flip over face up and jumped on top of him immediately. Normally I stand back and let them adjust for a moment, but with him I couldn’t resist leaping into his open embrace. He looked into my eyes. I melted. His arms felt like heaven wrapped around me. I put my hand on his cheek, caressing his face, getting lost in his eyes. And then I did something I rarely do, without even thinking about it, going against all my professional standards. It was irresistible. I leaned in and answered his unspoken prayer. I kissed him.
It was all over after that.
You see, there is a good reason why I don’t kiss my clients. Its pretty standard industry wide that lip to lip contact is off limits, at least in FBSM. First off, most of my clients are unattractive and I am not into them in that way. Plus you have no idea where this strangers mouth has been. And quite frankly most of these guys suck at kissing. All forceful tongue in the back of the throat, no soft inner lip that makes your thighs quiver. Its a super intimate gesture in my world. Sure, I give strangers sensual massage for a living, sure I can hug them and gaze into their eyes and assist them in their orgasms, but swapping saliva? A no go. A kiss is personal, not professional.
I’m a cuddle slut, a kundalini junkie, wired to share my love with the world, but in the long run I am a total prude. A kiss is like sharing pieces of our souls, swishing our tender insides together and swapping DNA stories. A real kiss renders me unguarded, weak in the knees, totally submissive, if its a good one. A man can win me over completely if he does it right. I have to admit I am a damn good kisser, full of passion, uninhibited love, I can make a man hard in his pants within seconds with my lips against his and crack open his heart into infinity. I don’t mess with that power with clients. It can really make them confused and fall in love with me instantly.
This time, it worked the other way around.
I was gaga for this guy. I pulled back for a split second, wondering if this is appropriate, knowing that if we continue I can pretty much guarantee what will happen next. But it felt so good. He felt good. From a therapists point of view, we obviously both need this for our healing. I’m not in the Temple anymore. I don’t need to hold my boundaries for the sake of the other girls. This is MY space, my heart, its my call. I need a lover before I completely lose my shit, especially if I am going to rock New York with non-stop Dakini action. Its time to fill my cup. Dear lord, what should I do?
Open your eyes. Say YES, Scarlet. Its okay.
I gave in. Our kisses melded us together. It was soft, sensual, full of love and tenderness. My god, its been weeks since I kissed a man, months since I made love to anyone. Our bodies fit together like perfect lovers, as if we were made for each other. All control I had over the situation melted away. Eventually he rolled on top of me and took the lead and I was grateful for this. I completely surrendered to the magnificence of his lips, the striking presence of his eyes, the simplicity of holding hands. Our session was over in my opinion. Finally I caught my breath and said to him, “we are off the books now darling, just so you know.”
It killed the energy for a second, but I had to say it. I wanted him to understand that this was not part of my services. That I was no longer in control of the situation. That he had full power to step up as a man, as my lover, and woo me. This feeling of sweet surrender in the arms of a man I intuitively trust was just what my heart needed, what I have been longing for all along. Its exhausting holding space and playing power games on the massage table with my business. I want to be in a mans arms that I can melt into, a man big enough to hold me energetically. It wasn’t that he was macho or anything, I just trusted in his love. My cup was instantly full.
Things started getting hot and heavy after that. His cock was in between us, sliding on my wet thigh, our lips inseparable. We made out for quite a while, he respectfully holding strong to our mutual boundaries, but our bodies undoubtably wanted to make love. We never said it out loud, but we both knew what we wanted. Eventually he suggested that we move onto the bed on the other side of the room. “Thats dangerous,” I say. He laughs, “Is it more dangerous than being on this table three feet off the ground? Lets get comfortable baby.” Another split second of hesitation. If we go on the bed we will surely have sex. I try to override the passion and ask my heart what is best in this moment.
Say yes, Scarlet. The Beloved is right here.
I want to. We are already making love energetically and he is so damn sweet with me. Yes, I want this. I pull back for a moment so our brains can have a moment to think and not be absorbed in the utter bliss of our loins wanting to merge. “A few questions,” I say to him. He smiles. “Do you have a girlfriend or anyone special in your life that would be hurt if she knew this happened?” He appears broken hearted for a moment then looks me straight in the eye, honest and true. “No, I mean I use to, but we broke up a few months ago. I work ten hours a day. We, I…just lost interest.” I question him with a raised eyebrow and he continues. “I know this may sound strange, but I’ve been changing inside, very quickly. I guess you could say I am evolving and she wasn’t. Suddenly I released that I wasn’t in love with her, so what was the point?” He’s spilling his guts here. Its just as intimate as the sex.
“I of all people can understand what you mean about evolving. Thats what I do for a living, I assist in people’s evolution.” He squeezes my hand. I really love this guy. “And you?” he asks. “Ha, no boyfriend.” I cant look him in the eye when I say this, mostly because I don’t want him to see my pain and have to process about that issue. “You already know my biggest secret, what I do for a living, but again it rarely ever gets personal like this with my clients. I give, give, give everyday, and I need this, this kind of loving, to refill my cup.” He nods his head, “Yeah, me too, at work, I give non-stop. Thats why I come to you.” I am uncomfortable and blushing. “Look,” I tell him, opening up more, “you are the first guy I’ve made out with in over a month, and, well, I haven’t been made love to in a long time.” He lifts my chin, looks at me in the eye and kisses me, deep and lovingly.
“It would be my honor, Scarlet.”
Well, what would you do in my situation?
xox ~miss scarlet